don’t worry, i’m not dead or anything. the reason i’ve been gone for a while is because our internet is fucked up. it’s working again now, and will hopefully stay like this from now on :)

january 1st, 103 pounds.

this is to everyone who follows me and/or who has asked me stuff. i’m sorry if i sound more bitchy or rude than usual today. i’ve been in a bad mood after seeing breaking dawn. that movie, seriously, it made me feel fatter than ever. after seeing it i haven’t been in the mood to act nice or polite, thinking, eating, anything. that movie was the last passenger on the “i fucking hate myself” train, now the train is moving and it will probably crash into a wall and explode. yes, the train is me if you didn’t understand what the crap i was talking about. i just realized how pathetic and fucked up this sounds. i know this wasn’t very well written/explained but i don’t know how else to say it.

is seeing people post a picture of two girls, where one girl is a little bigger than the other, and they write “who would you rather be” or something like that. seriously, people need to stop doing that, it’s so fucking rude! how would you feel is someone had posted a picture of you saying crap like that? some random fuck from the internet referring to you as “the fat friend”, if that happened to me i would be devastated. people need to understand one thing, even though you hate your own body doesn’t mean you have the right to make other people feel that way too. to all people posting those things, you know how it feels to dislike something about yourself, would you really want to throw that feeling on another person? maybe that girl likes her body, then sees what you have written and get really fucking insecure and sad because of what you wrote. just please, stop it!

sleep for 3 hours, then waking up all shaky, bloated and feeling nauseous. fuck my life!

i didn’t go to the restaurant. but my parents are bringing back something i can eat. i guess that’s okay. i’ve decided to start fasting again (starting tomorrow), people always tell me to stop doing shit that makes me miserable and eating is the only thing that comes to mind. i’ll eat the stuff my parents bring back and then no more food for a while.

going out for a walk because i’m such a stupid ugly fat lard.

i’m having a really bad day. i ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. yes, all 3 meals. don’t tell me how good it is for me or shit like that, i feel disgusted, i’m used to only having 1 meal and now it feels like i’m going to explode, i wish i would explode.

my mom told me we’re going to a restaurant on sunday to celebrate some crap. let’s be real here: i don’t go out, i don’t eat with friends, i weigh everything i eat. how the hell am i supposed to be in a good mood when everything i hate is about to happen in one single day. go out, be around people, eat around people i don’t even know, not have a clue on how many calories i eat. if i have to wear “nice clothes” too i’ll die. i should sleep outside for 2 days just so i’ll get sick and have a good excuse to why i can’t go.

and weighing myself this morning didn’t make things any better. i haven’t weighed myself in a while, because i thought it would maybe make a difference. and you can bet it did! i’ve gained 3,5 pounds (1,6 kg) since last week! gained!!! being stuck at 101,4 for almost 2 months, and now i’m 104,9. what the fuck, true fact: i’m eating too much and not exercising enough. i’ll never take a break from weighing myself ever again. fat!